Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
2010
It would be awesome to sing the line "...it was a very good year..." with respect to 2010, but I just cannot do it convincingly. There were so many significant life changes in 2010 that I literally become exhausted trying to organize my thoughts around them in order to even consider presenting. I cannot even say "the most important change" to any one of them, as difficult as they may be for many to believe. It comes down to what I have chosen to present of my life and what I have kept to myself. Not everyone has my full story of 2010...until perhaps now.
One of the more significant events that occurred centered around my oldest daughter, Sloan. It was no secret that she was not happy when we moved from San Jose to Tracy in 2009. However, after many discussions, we had all thought she was going to give it a good try and work it out. For those of you not in the loop, I have been the primary/custodial parent to Sloan for the past *almost* 11 years of her 15 years on this planet. Her mother and I had remained married for the first 2 to 2 1/2 years after she was born. That leaves about 2 years where I was the non-custodial parent and having visitation. All told, I have done everything I can to remain a constant and even daily presence in her life. In February of 2010, I was served with papers from her mother seeking to change primary custody to her. Over the course of the next year, I have had to listen to what a horrible person I am, hearing her attorney try to convince the court that I am abusive, controlling, and that Sloan is unhappy. Prior to being served with the papers, we had already arranged for Sloan to take part in therapy, at her own request as she recognized she was dealing with depression and anger issues. In the course of her therapy, she revealed she had also had suicidal thoughts and claimed to have made at least one attempt by choking herself with her hands. This obviously shocked me. I had no idea. Sloan and I had been having a difficult time in the communication department for the better part of 2008 and 2009, but I attributed this to teenage angst and the need for her to push for more freedom. I admit I am rather a draconian individual when it comes to household rules, homework, and grades...and my style is not for everyone as it shifts from trying to be supportive to leveling punishments as I feel are needed. I think every parent does this on different levels. But I never would have imagined that she would be become so depressed or angry that she felt the need to harm herself. All of this was blown out to its wildest and most preposterous proportions in court, handled by myself and my own attorney in turn, until we finally came to the conclusion that Sloan needed to try living with her mother now. I was set to fight; I had already spent close to $10K on this and I honestly did not believe Sloan would be best served at her mother's. But, in the end, I decided that if she really wanted this, I needed to back off and let her do it. It has been painful for all concerned. I wish I could say that it has had a happy ending, but it has not been. We have always known that the main catalyst for Sloan wanting to move back to her Mom's (who lives in San Jose/Morgan Hill) was to get back to her friends and her original high school. Since she has moved back, she has run away several times, delved into drug use with her friends, and made another suicide attempt, this time overdosing on her depression medication. This last act got her a quick trip to the hospital and then a week in lockdown in the adolescent psychiatric unit of a local facility. To add insult to injury to me, her mother did not bother to let me know any of this until 24 to 48 hours after it had all gone down. In fact, anything that has occurred I tend to not hear about until well after it has already happened; there was even one instance when Sloan ran away where no one had any clue where she was...and I was at the hospital with Amy for the twins. This may be consdiered me giving too much information by some, but I feel it is important to let it out. The one truly happy note to all of this is that I have worked hard to repair my relationship with my oldest daughter and it is clear to her that I have. We speak together better than we have in a very long time and she opens up to me more. She knows she can always come home whenever she wants. I only hope things at her mother's do not get worse before they get better. She really is an amazing person. I should note that while in my care, Sloan never ran away, never tried to drugs (trust me, I would know...), and while the claim has been made at a suicide attempt, there is no actual evidence of it and her therapist at the time even noted the fashion she chose for that instance was not a serious attempt (cold comfort, but still). The case drags on and we have a follow-up hearing next month that should be interesting as most of Sloan's worse incidents occurred between the last hearing and this upcoming one. We will see what happens.
At the same time all of this is going on in my life...we find out in April that Amy is pregnant. With twins. Talk about a shocker. We had been sort of half-assing trying for another, but not with any real serious thought to it because it had taken so long to conceive Devlin. So, like I said in a previous blog, just when you think you are sort of in control of things, the universe laughs and throws a fast ball right at your head. It is, of course, a happy change...but damn. Twins? Really? Thanks, universe.
The aforementioned event in 2010 in turn relates to the next: actually purchasing a home. I have always rented; so has Amy. We had wanted to buy while still living in the Bay Area, but housing prices are simply ridiculous and we had no desire to add to the entire mortgage meltdown. We actually wanted to be responsible buyers and owners. The dream of someday buying is another reason we moved the family to Tracy. It is a nice, fairly quiet community and the prices are half what one would expect to pay in the Bay Area...and get more for your money. After much discussion, we dove into the process of searching for a home. In June, we found our place...and closed relatively quickly. I think our heads almost spun off at that point considering how fast they were already spinning...
It should also be noted that the imminent arrival of the twins meant we also needed to consider trading in one of our vehicles and purchase something a bit more accommodating for our growing brood. In September, over Labor Day Weekend, we traded in our Toyota RAV4 and bought a GMC Acadia. One must give all props to Amy for her in depth research on this one as she had a very particular type of seating pattern she wanted to have in order to best seat all of the kids.
In between, in July, my grandfather Ralph passed away. It felt like as much as we were making strides forward, this event brought us numerous steps back. I guess I should restate that to say that it was just such a wave of sadness that it really enveloped everything I was doing. I was happy that my grandfather was no longer having to deal with his pain, and he had lived an incredible and full life, truly an example of what it means to be a man, a father, and a grandfather. It was difficult...but has gotten better. For everyone.
The move into the new house was fraught with timing issues and working out something with the landlords of the old place as we were breaking our lease. When push came to shove, though, they were quite gracious and did not hold us to anything financial. It was sad to leave that neighborhood, but we were excited to get to our new one and a whole new adventure.
One high point through all of this is that we are both still working. The sucky thing about that is the commute. But we all do what we have to do, right? Perhaps 2011 will present opportunities to find something a little closer to home for both of us (or at least one), who knows? I would rather have a job that I had to commute to than no job at all...
Devlin celebrated his second birthday in our new home, but had already been edging into The Terrible Twos well beforehand. Still a handful, D is probably one of the most gregarious and active kids I have ever seen, with a very real and funny sense of humor. He is currently such a little tank, solid, and pretty much the archtype of a Boy. Our little baby is gone, replace by this always on-the-go little boy. It is alternately sad and amazing to watch. Welcome to parenthood...
December finally brought us The Twins, Keira and Liam. Amy made a great post on her own blog that was very detailed at http://devilgirltomama.blogspot.com/2010/12/birth-story.html, but I don't know if all will have access to it. Check with her if you really want to read it. The last few weeks have been pretty draining getting used to them being here, but also incredibly cool. I have a great many more pictures to upload, which may have to wait until the weekend now that I am back at work...
I am sure there are other events and incidents and instances I am neglecting to mention, but I think those I have included here are pretty big. Any one of these events would probably give someone pause...and I had to deal with all of them this past year. So, if I seemed a bit tense, terse, or otherwise annoyed...now maybe you will understand. I do have to say, however, that if it wasn't for my family and friends - and even those who are part of my Facebook friends list - I do not know if I would have been able to get through everything without some sort of nuclear blowout. With regards to Facebook, I really have to let everyone I know out there/here how appreciative I am for all kind words, for all debates, for all well wishes, for all updates, for everything. People I have not seen since high school have all been so kind and gracious and well-meaning. Sometimes it makes me regret not taking more time to really delve into those friendships and acquaintanceships when we were all in school. Its so very cool for me to be able to connect with all of you and get some small glimpse into your lives and I hope that 2011 brings each and every one of you much happiness in your personal and professional lives. Thanks again to all for such great messages, both public and private. It doesn't get said as much as it should, so please know how much I appreciate everything.
And I have to really note some special people in our lives, without whom we would be lacking portions of our hearts. John & Brie, Scott & Renee, Ashley & Jason, Heather & Pete for all of the love and support through our various moves, through our up times and down, for simply being our friends and not expecting or asking more than being simply being there for each other. Cat, Cindi, Jerry & Eileen, Nate, Teresa...I could go on but that would mean having to list about 148 people (or approximately the number of people connected to me via Facebook).
Happy 2011 to Everyone. Thanks to you all for everything in 2010.
S
One of the more significant events that occurred centered around my oldest daughter, Sloan. It was no secret that she was not happy when we moved from San Jose to Tracy in 2009. However, after many discussions, we had all thought she was going to give it a good try and work it out. For those of you not in the loop, I have been the primary/custodial parent to Sloan for the past *almost* 11 years of her 15 years on this planet. Her mother and I had remained married for the first 2 to 2 1/2 years after she was born. That leaves about 2 years where I was the non-custodial parent and having visitation. All told, I have done everything I can to remain a constant and even daily presence in her life. In February of 2010, I was served with papers from her mother seeking to change primary custody to her. Over the course of the next year, I have had to listen to what a horrible person I am, hearing her attorney try to convince the court that I am abusive, controlling, and that Sloan is unhappy. Prior to being served with the papers, we had already arranged for Sloan to take part in therapy, at her own request as she recognized she was dealing with depression and anger issues. In the course of her therapy, she revealed she had also had suicidal thoughts and claimed to have made at least one attempt by choking herself with her hands. This obviously shocked me. I had no idea. Sloan and I had been having a difficult time in the communication department for the better part of 2008 and 2009, but I attributed this to teenage angst and the need for her to push for more freedom. I admit I am rather a draconian individual when it comes to household rules, homework, and grades...and my style is not for everyone as it shifts from trying to be supportive to leveling punishments as I feel are needed. I think every parent does this on different levels. But I never would have imagined that she would be become so depressed or angry that she felt the need to harm herself. All of this was blown out to its wildest and most preposterous proportions in court, handled by myself and my own attorney in turn, until we finally came to the conclusion that Sloan needed to try living with her mother now. I was set to fight; I had already spent close to $10K on this and I honestly did not believe Sloan would be best served at her mother's. But, in the end, I decided that if she really wanted this, I needed to back off and let her do it. It has been painful for all concerned. I wish I could say that it has had a happy ending, but it has not been. We have always known that the main catalyst for Sloan wanting to move back to her Mom's (who lives in San Jose/Morgan Hill) was to get back to her friends and her original high school. Since she has moved back, she has run away several times, delved into drug use with her friends, and made another suicide attempt, this time overdosing on her depression medication. This last act got her a quick trip to the hospital and then a week in lockdown in the adolescent psychiatric unit of a local facility. To add insult to injury to me, her mother did not bother to let me know any of this until 24 to 48 hours after it had all gone down. In fact, anything that has occurred I tend to not hear about until well after it has already happened; there was even one instance when Sloan ran away where no one had any clue where she was...and I was at the hospital with Amy for the twins. This may be consdiered me giving too much information by some, but I feel it is important to let it out. The one truly happy note to all of this is that I have worked hard to repair my relationship with my oldest daughter and it is clear to her that I have. We speak together better than we have in a very long time and she opens up to me more. She knows she can always come home whenever she wants. I only hope things at her mother's do not get worse before they get better. She really is an amazing person. I should note that while in my care, Sloan never ran away, never tried to drugs (trust me, I would know...), and while the claim has been made at a suicide attempt, there is no actual evidence of it and her therapist at the time even noted the fashion she chose for that instance was not a serious attempt (cold comfort, but still). The case drags on and we have a follow-up hearing next month that should be interesting as most of Sloan's worse incidents occurred between the last hearing and this upcoming one. We will see what happens.
At the same time all of this is going on in my life...we find out in April that Amy is pregnant. With twins. Talk about a shocker. We had been sort of half-assing trying for another, but not with any real serious thought to it because it had taken so long to conceive Devlin. So, like I said in a previous blog, just when you think you are sort of in control of things, the universe laughs and throws a fast ball right at your head. It is, of course, a happy change...but damn. Twins? Really? Thanks, universe.
The aforementioned event in 2010 in turn relates to the next: actually purchasing a home. I have always rented; so has Amy. We had wanted to buy while still living in the Bay Area, but housing prices are simply ridiculous and we had no desire to add to the entire mortgage meltdown. We actually wanted to be responsible buyers and owners. The dream of someday buying is another reason we moved the family to Tracy. It is a nice, fairly quiet community and the prices are half what one would expect to pay in the Bay Area...and get more for your money. After much discussion, we dove into the process of searching for a home. In June, we found our place...and closed relatively quickly. I think our heads almost spun off at that point considering how fast they were already spinning...
It should also be noted that the imminent arrival of the twins meant we also needed to consider trading in one of our vehicles and purchase something a bit more accommodating for our growing brood. In September, over Labor Day Weekend, we traded in our Toyota RAV4 and bought a GMC Acadia. One must give all props to Amy for her in depth research on this one as she had a very particular type of seating pattern she wanted to have in order to best seat all of the kids.
In between, in July, my grandfather Ralph passed away. It felt like as much as we were making strides forward, this event brought us numerous steps back. I guess I should restate that to say that it was just such a wave of sadness that it really enveloped everything I was doing. I was happy that my grandfather was no longer having to deal with his pain, and he had lived an incredible and full life, truly an example of what it means to be a man, a father, and a grandfather. It was difficult...but has gotten better. For everyone.
The move into the new house was fraught with timing issues and working out something with the landlords of the old place as we were breaking our lease. When push came to shove, though, they were quite gracious and did not hold us to anything financial. It was sad to leave that neighborhood, but we were excited to get to our new one and a whole new adventure.
One high point through all of this is that we are both still working. The sucky thing about that is the commute. But we all do what we have to do, right? Perhaps 2011 will present opportunities to find something a little closer to home for both of us (or at least one), who knows? I would rather have a job that I had to commute to than no job at all...
Devlin celebrated his second birthday in our new home, but had already been edging into The Terrible Twos well beforehand. Still a handful, D is probably one of the most gregarious and active kids I have ever seen, with a very real and funny sense of humor. He is currently such a little tank, solid, and pretty much the archtype of a Boy. Our little baby is gone, replace by this always on-the-go little boy. It is alternately sad and amazing to watch. Welcome to parenthood...
December finally brought us The Twins, Keira and Liam. Amy made a great post on her own blog that was very detailed at http://devilgirltomama.blogspot.com/2010/12/birth-story.html, but I don't know if all will have access to it. Check with her if you really want to read it. The last few weeks have been pretty draining getting used to them being here, but also incredibly cool. I have a great many more pictures to upload, which may have to wait until the weekend now that I am back at work...
I am sure there are other events and incidents and instances I am neglecting to mention, but I think those I have included here are pretty big. Any one of these events would probably give someone pause...and I had to deal with all of them this past year. So, if I seemed a bit tense, terse, or otherwise annoyed...now maybe you will understand. I do have to say, however, that if it wasn't for my family and friends - and even those who are part of my Facebook friends list - I do not know if I would have been able to get through everything without some sort of nuclear blowout. With regards to Facebook, I really have to let everyone I know out there/here how appreciative I am for all kind words, for all debates, for all well wishes, for all updates, for everything. People I have not seen since high school have all been so kind and gracious and well-meaning. Sometimes it makes me regret not taking more time to really delve into those friendships and acquaintanceships when we were all in school. Its so very cool for me to be able to connect with all of you and get some small glimpse into your lives and I hope that 2011 brings each and every one of you much happiness in your personal and professional lives. Thanks again to all for such great messages, both public and private. It doesn't get said as much as it should, so please know how much I appreciate everything.
And I have to really note some special people in our lives, without whom we would be lacking portions of our hearts. John & Brie, Scott & Renee, Ashley & Jason, Heather & Pete for all of the love and support through our various moves, through our up times and down, for simply being our friends and not expecting or asking more than being simply being there for each other. Cat, Cindi, Jerry & Eileen, Nate, Teresa...I could go on but that would mean having to list about 148 people (or approximately the number of people connected to me via Facebook).
Happy 2011 to Everyone. Thanks to you all for everything in 2010.
S
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