Getting closer

As most already know, we had some baby excitement the weekend after Thanksgiving. in the end, it was not meant to happen, as much as we were up and down with what was happening (contractions, et al). This past week (Week 35 in pregnancy time frame) has been interesting because Amy has been on maternity leave and I have had to go back into work. Its difficult, being so far away (on a good day, my commute is just over an hour, averaging about an hour and a half, one way), wondering if something is going to happen while I am at work. One good thing that came out of our little test run is that we have a better idea of what to have packed, for Amy, Devlin, and even myself. We know about how long it takes to get to the hospital, and we have been able to lock down a game plan with our good friends John & brie as well as my Mom, all of whom live close or relatively so. Now, as we move into Week 36 (officially hitting that marker this coming Tuesday), I find myself almost regularly asking Amy how she feels. I have maintained for some time now that this would be the week Keira and Liam arrive, so I am doubly on edge now and really hate being here at work while Amy holds down the fort, so to speak.

Bags are packed. Plans are in place. Infant car seats ordered should arrive today. A boatload of clothes from various contributors are ready. We just need those two kids to get here already!

Mixed Feelings

Today my daughter, Sloan, started a new school year, this time as a sophomore in high school. I am very proud of her but have some mixed emotions today as it is the first time in just over ten years that I have not been able to either walk her to her classes or drop her off on her first day back at school. I did call her last night and let her know I was thinking about her and that I hoped she had a good day, but it isn't quite the same.

In some ways, Sloan going to live with her mother full-time has been a good thing. It is allowing her to re-connect with her mother on a more consistent level, to be with the friends she made in middle school who go to the same high school, to begin to feel comfortable with herself as a person. As much as it pains me, I know how important these things are for a teenager, especially a teenage girl. But every day it cuts a tiny piece out of my heart that I am not able to see all of this on a daily basis. For our battles - which I maintain is a normal part of growing up between parents and teenagers - I never once stopped loving her for who she is. She is a sensitive and wholly individual person with her own viewpoint and all I can really do at this point is accept that I had a hand in helping her form some of her opinions and personality. I can only hope it helps her to make the right choices on a daily level.

I think I am having these feelings more and more as we organize our new home because I feel she should be there. As happy as I am about our move, about the coming twins, about how strong and smart Devlin continues to prove himself to be and becoming, there is something missing. I know it will get easier over time, but I have a great fear of missing out on so many of her own forthcoming "firsts". As draconian and somewhat overbearing as I know I can be, I know I have done the best I could do raising her and I have to accept that it will be enough.

Sorry to bring the party down but this has been weighing on my head for a couple of days now as I see notes from others about their kids starting school up again...

Proposition 8 Thoughts

Here's the thing, and I need to get this out of the way right off the top because I feel some people may misinterpret my position or how I personally feel about Proposition 8 and gay marriage as a subject: I support the right of ALL individuals to get married, whether they be straight, gay, lesbian, Martian, blue, purple, whatever.

When Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker made his ruling yesterday afternoon, he leveled a scathing repudiation toward those who supported Prop. 8, stating:

""Moral disapproval alone," he said, "is an improper basis on which to deny rights to gay men and lesbians." Further, he also noted that "...while Prop. 8's supporters argued that same-sex couples are adequately protected by the right to enter domestic partnerships, Walker said those partnerships are "a substitute and inferior institution" that lack the status and social meaning of marriage."

Ever since the decision came down, I have noted so many out here leaving happy messages about it as their status messages. And that is what prompts me to write my own note. I had responded to some - saying as much as what I am writing here - but there have been so many posting that I really feel the need to post this as a singular note.

Basically said: Don't get too excited just yet, kids. This battle is FAR from over.

Just because Judge Walker made this ruling does not mean the war is over. The groups (and there are many) who support Prop. 8 and oppose gay marriage with all their being had already prepared their appeal. In fact, just as quickly as Judge Walker's ruling came down, a stay of the decision was put into place. This means that regardless of this decision, gay men and women STILL cannot legally get married and their marriages are not recognized as legal by the state. I believe there was actually one lesbian couple who got in under the wire (they were obviously in position and waiting for the ruling to come down and completed their ceremony the moment the decision was released). Today, at this very moment, even though so many are so happy that Judge Walked ruled Prop. 8 to be unconstitutional...nothing

has changed.

And THAT is the core of my note. It means that the battle is not yet done. Every one of you out here and everywhere who support gay marriage MUST NOT BACK DOWN. Do you recall how and why the "No on 8" campaign failed? Look it up. It had more to do with overconfidence. Logical and reasonable individuals who supported and continue to support gay marriage sat back and believed that they were in a good position, that California - seemingly one of the last bastions of liberal politics and at the vanguard of supporting civil rights - would see reason and never pass Prop. 8. And yet we know what happened, don't we?

Someone I do not know - who knows someone I left a comment about this with yesterday - responded to my comment by saying, "Just let people be happy." Maybe they were referring to something else, but it seemed directed at me and my Devil's advocate approach. To them I would ask: Why should I allow anyone to be "happy" about this? That it is a great start and hopeful indicator is obvious. But do not rest on your laurels and do not back down and do not just simply "be happy". Make no mistake: Supporters of Prop. 8 come from all corners and are well financed and organized. To let your guard down for even a moment could very well mean disaster. "Happiness" could lead to becoming too comfortable with your position, which then leads to complacency...which then could very well lead to defeat.

Take note (from www.sfgate.com):
"Margaret Russell, a Santa Clara University law professor, said Walker's conclusion that Prop. 8 was based on moral disapproval of gays and lesbians was reminiscent of Kennedy's 1996 ruling in a Colorado case. Kennedy said a state law that barred local gay-rights ordinances was unconstitutionally based on disapproval of the people those ordinances protected.

Russell, who supports same-sex marriage, said the Supreme Court isn't likely to endorse Walker's conclusion that Prop. 8 violated a fundamental right to marry because the court hasn't previously recognized such rights for gay and lesbian couples. The justices could agree with Walker that the measure is unconstitutionally discriminatory, she said, but they might also draw different legal conclusions from the evidence he cited."

And even more disconcerting and something to consider (also from www.sfgate.com):

"Wednesday's ruling leaves same-sex marriage advocates with a dilemma. While they won the case, the stay issued by Walker means it could be months or years before another gay or lesbian couple is married in California. And there is no guarantee that higher courts will agree with Walker's ruling.

"The appeals court could take the case on an expedited basis or take two years or more to get to it," said Geoff Kors, executive director of Equality California. "I don't think we want to wait until 2014 or 2016 to get marriage equality in California."

As a result, Kors said, same-sex marriage proponents will proceed with plans to put an initiative to repeal Prop. 8 on the November 2012 ballot, a measure that would instantly make same-sex marriage legal in California.

That would mean a commitment of more than $1 million to collect the 700,000 or so signatures needed to get the constitutional amendment on the ballot and tens of millions more for a campaign effort like the one in 2008."

Again, I support gay marriage. I believe everyone should have the right to have a commitment to the one they love be recognized on all levels. But the battle must be taken to the foe, never back down, never become complacent. Because the enemy is watching and waiting for that exact response and will not hesitate on their end. Why should they? They have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Let's move forward with supporting the process to actually repeal the proposition. Support your friends, support your loved ones, support initiatives and give money to the fight. This has been a very small victory on a huge battlefield and while it could ultimately lead to winning the war, this is hardly the time to sit back and "be happy". Savor the moment, yes, and use it. To do less means to accept eventual defeat.

Reflections

As August dawns anew I cannot help but sit in quiet moments and reflect on the past number of months. 2010 has been a year full of glorious highs and devastating lows, perhaps moreso than any other year of my life thus far. At this point last year Amy and I were still reeling from my having been laid off from my position at EPRI while also weighing our options for the future. I do not believe we had come up with the idea of potentially moving to Tracy, CA, but we had been floating around options related to a need to move. Our landlord at the time was looking at selling the house we were renting because he was hoping to affect a life change for himself and his own family as well and we knew we were not in a position to purchase the house we had grown to love, where Devlin had been conceived and brought home to, where Sloan seemed to feel comfortable. I was doing everything I could to try and forge some sort of new path for myself, exploring becoming a certified project manager (a path I am still very interested in pursuing), going to bartending school and meeting some interesting and cool people, of trying to keep our ties to family and friends fresh and strong. We were planning Devlin's 1st birthday and were excited to see everyone join us for the celebration. My Grandfather was doing as well as good be expected, having great days, good days, and not-so-good days as my Mom dug in and not only managed her own life and work but also committed herself to my Grandfather's care (as she had done for my Grandmother years previous). I had written a short-lived column for examiner.com which I enjoyed but had a difficult time keeping up with as I felt my focus should be more for a) caring for Devlin when he wasn't at daycare and b) looking for a new job. We had discussed having another baby in perhaps another couple of years but were not really even thinking about trying...

Now, a year later, it is almost overwhelming to consider how our lives have changed. There is a lot of joy involved with many of these changes, but also a great deal of sadness associated. As some of you may or may not know, my daughter Sloan is now back in San Jose living with her mother. It was a difficult decision to make, to not fight further, to accept that perhaps this was something Sloan needed at this time in her life. My Grandfather is gone, finally at rest and no longer in pain. We have transitioned from being tenants and renting someone else's house to being homeowners ourselves. I am gainfully employed in my field of the past ten-plus years and Amy is still employed at EPRI. Devlin is preparing to turn two (but the "terrible twos" have been in full effect for a number of months already!). And Amy is continuing to grow as the twins she is carrying continue to grow themselves...

Thank you to all for your congratulations on our confirming the twins being one boy and one girl as well as for all of the condolences on my Grandfather's passing. Your words and feelings mean so much to us. Eight months into 2010 brought all of these changes...it will be interesting to see if the next five months continue the trend...

S

Ralph C. Bowland, 1919 - 2010

I started this blog entry a couple of days ago, right after leaving work early to go be with my Mom after I found out that her father, my Grandfather, had passed away sometime Monday night. I had wanted to detail something about his life to let everyone know what an amazing person and true hero he was, but I have been finding it difficult to do that in such a way as to not sound like some sort of biography which, I feel, loses something in the translation. But I am still going to try.

I could detail numerous stories I have heard about my Grandfather and still not come close to telling them all, or doing any of them true justice. I could talk about his many years as an avid L.A. Dodgers fan, of knowing Tommy Lasorda on a personal level, of being able to park right up front whenever he wanted. I could talk about his dealings with the Teamsters Union in his capacity working in management for various trucking and transport companies, of facing off a few times with Jimmy Hoffa himself. One great story related to that my Mom told me yesterday: There was once an occasion, while working for CME Trucking in the L.A. area, that the Teamsters needed to serve my Grandfather with papers or some sort of order to appear during a particular hearing regarding something or other. My Grandafther knew they were going to serve him and expected it (being management had its bad points sometimes), but he also had heard that the down-low rumor was that either a group within the Teamsters or somehow affiliated with them also wanted to talk to him...and when I say "talk" it comes with that look and tongue-in-cheek reference to how movie mobsters always want to just "talk" and take someone for a "ride". On one particular day, two very large men parked across the street and came up to the door. My Grandfather assumed they were of the not-so-legitimate group, got his Mossberg hunting rifle out (the one he could hunt elephants with...) and told my Grandmother with a growl, "Open the door..." And that is what those two completely legitimate process servers faced. The papers were dropped and their coats flurried behind them as they beat a very hasty retreat. It was a different time...

My Grandfather was born in Missouri in 1919, although there is even some dispute about that; his marker will read 1918, just to be safe as several documents show one or the other date! He grew up with something of a Tom Sawyer-esque upbringing, creating schemes to earn money with his brothers and friends, dirt poor but happy. He played baseball in school and showed such talent that he was offered a scholarship to USC, but the family was so poor that they could not afford to pay his day-to-day living expenses. Ever since, however, my Grandfather retained a love of all things USC and watched as many sports events as possible that featured their teams. It was during The Great Depression that the family moved to California, settling in Turlock, because "that's where the truck finally broke down." There is some question as to when he was added to the roster of the L.A. Angels (not the later-formed MLB team, but rather the minor league Angels) but it had to be sometime shortly after settling in CA. It did not, however, take long before he was scouted and then signed to the Chicago Cubs (who used the Angels as their minor league affiliate), using his signing bonus to buy his first car. His sports career, however, was not destined to be as World War II broke out. I believe it was in late 1942 or early 1943 when he completed his basic training as an Army Ranger (1st Sergeant, 4th Ranger Battalion), he shipped out to Africa by way of England. Somewhere around Gibraltar his transport was torpedoed. It was pretty much touch and go, with the military chaplain giving all those aboard last rites. In the end, they made it through, being towed back to England, back to America to join another team and ship out again. He spent time in North Africa and Tunisia before moving on to Sicily and Northern Italy, as well as taking part in the key battles at Anzio and Monte Cassino. He met General George S. Patton several times (to which point I can recall, while watching George C. Scott's portrayal of Patton, my Grandfather laughed, "You know, he (Patton) really was a goddamn son-of-a bitch!"...but he said it in such a way as to show his admiration), and even witnessed the aftermath of the hanging of Mussolini. His determination and bravery helped him make it through and back home. He finished out his time in the military working with a trucking and transport group, which is the industry he went into after he was discharged.

My Grandfather never judged anyone. He gave everyone he encountered the benefit of the doubt and did his best to help those he came into contact with either through work or even from his time in the Army, giving people jobs and assistance whenever and wherever he could. He woke early everyday to exercise, to swim, and then go to work. He loved his wife and his family without reservation, even as much as some would accuse him of being a workaholic. Again, it was a different time and people had different values. One did what one had to do to better oneself ans support one's family, even if that meant staying late or working long hours. I am sure he must have complained from time to time, but I never heard it. His smile was infectious and his laugh resounding. Even after retiring (several times) from his chosen industry, the contacts he had made and those he had helped in some way during his career always sought him out to do consulting work to help them build their businesses. And he would help them out. That's just the kind of guy he was.

As many things as I could recount, there is one aspect to my Grandfather that I will never forget. When my Mom became pregnant with me at the scandalous age of 16 (in 1966), she had to face much criticism, even from her own family. For a time, she was ostracized by her own mother, my Grandmother, for bringing this disgrace upon the family name. As I have said, times were different; my Grandfather felt his role was more outside the home, "bringing home the bacon", while the day-to-day functionality of the home was given to and ruled over by my Grandmother with an iron fist and resolve of steel. He had no choice but to go along with her choices. And as disappointed at the situation as I am sure he must have been, he never once criticized my Mother. He would make secret trips to see her and I after I was born and we were living in various places with various people, not all of them altogether savory characters. He would try to help out whenever he could. He loved my Mom unconditionally. She was never a "disgrace"; she was his daughter and I was his grandson and he was going to make sure he made every effort he could to see us, goddamn it. Its the old pictures of those moments, as with those taken after my Mother and Grandmother reconciled (not too much longer after my birth) that stick with me. I feel so glad that both my daughter Sloan and my son Devlin were able to experience him in their lives, but get sad knowing the forthcoming twins will have to be satisfied with the stories.

I have had a stepfather that I never really seemed to connect with for most of my younger life and a father whom I did not know until just this past year or so. The single most important man in my life has always been my Grandfather and I can only hope that even just a little bit of his integrity, his honor, his strength, and his great sense of humor has rubbed off on me. He was truly a great man, a great hero, and just simply a great person to know. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes, but if I can claim to have been a fraction of what he was if I have the good fortune to make it to 91 (or 92, as the case may be...), I think I can honestly say I did a good job in this life.

Goodbye, Grandpa. I love you and will miss you.


SPT, July 15, 2010

Almost too much adult-world reality for one month...

As many of you already know, Amy and I began the process of searching for a primary residence to purchase. Neither of us have ever undertaken this task before, so this was indeed a daunting proposition to consider. However, with the help of John & Brie, we found a finance person as well as a real estate agent we trust and the switch was flipped "on" to kick the whole thing into motion several weeks ago. After getting our pre-approval, we were finally able to schedule some time to check out properties, even though Amy has been viewing real estate sites practically non-stop since well before we even considered meeting with anyone to discuss what was involved! It can be rather overwhelming, as anyone who has ever bought a home can surely attest. Short sales, foreclosures, straight sales, bank-owned, privately owned, offers, counter offers, inspections, escrow...I had no clue about what it all meant or how to go about deciphering any of it. Luckily, we had people we liked and trusted helping us out.

We checked out seven properties and sent bids out to three. Two of these were short sales and we had to prepare ourselves for the possibility that, if our offer was accepted on either of them, for a potentially long and drawn-out process to close the sale. Such is the bad side of buying a house in short sale - all of the hands involved, all of the approvals needed, all of the hoops to jump through. The third, as luck would have it, was a foreclosure, which meant the time to close would be significantly shorter, typically 30 days. Less than a week after sending the bids out, one was accepted: for the house that was in foreclosure. This was truly exciting, as well as nerve-wracking, given our complete and utter inexperience with any of this! We had already scheduled a time to meet our realtor to check out a different house yesterday evening, so we kept that appointment and talked to him about the accepted offer. His advice was simple: If we like the house, we should jump on it, as sales of this nature are rare creatures. Apparently most of what is on the market currently are houses in short sale status, a tragic side-effect of the whole housing downturn. That said, we felt the need to check out the property one more time before deciding...

As soon as we walked through the front door for the second time in less than a week, I knew what my decision would be. This would be our house, our home. The layout is great, the size is perfect, the number of rooms what we need. The location is desirable, being near the end of a cul-de-sac, lots of trees, elementary school literally within sight down the side street (meaning no crossing of any major roads), huge backyard for our dogs as well as the kids. It would seem that the stars were aligning to provide us with a golden opportunity which I felt in my gut would be a mistake to pass up...

Here are some pictures from one of the real estate websites on which the property appears:



We will try to get into the house again this weekend and take better pictures. It amazes both Amy and I how many people are simply not able to take very good pictures of their houses for sale. For example, a picture I am not including here is of the kitchen; it seriously only shows one corner of an otherwise spacious area. Oh well...

After doing our second walk-through last night and making the decision to move forward, I asked our realtor what the next step is and he says, "Well, really, since your offer was accepted, all that really remains right now is for me to say Congratulations!" I guess this means we move forward, discuss what may or may not need to be fixed before the final papers are drawn up and money changes hands. It is all so surreal for us that I keep expecting something to pull the rug out from under our feet.

Add to this that we also got approved for a car loan that we can use in conjunction with trading in our RAV4 in order to get something with three-row seating in order to better accommodate what will be a pretty damn quick expansion of our family in about eight months! Pretty crazy...

All I can say is that it about freakin' time that things in our life started to change for the better. We are both very happy and very nervous at the same time and will keep everyone apprised as events unfold.

"Lost" Perspective

Yes, I am going to join the millions who have already either commented or are writing their own comments, observations, and opinions on “Lost”, both the series as a whole but most especially dealing with the series finale which aired last night (05/23/10) as something of a spectacular event.

I have numerous friends, including my dear wife, who simply don’t get it. They do not understand how and why “Lost” got as big as it did or why many of its fans (me included) were so, well, fanatical. Some ask “What the hell is up with the damn polar bears on a tropical island?”, or “Did I hear somewhere something about some stupid smoke monster?” Yes. Yes, you did. And there are many convoluted strings and several storylines which cropped up and seemed to go nowhere. But this happens with all series’. If you, as a viewer, cannot engage your suspension of disbelief and try to enjoy it for what it is (i.e. escapist entertainment), then you really have no right to even consider watching. You are not the target demographic. “Lost” differed from much of what television has to offer by providing intelligent writing. What I mean by that is that the scenes, the dialog, and the varied storylines demanded that each viewer actually pay attention to what the hell was going on. You could not be a “casual” viewer of “Lost”; there was simply too much going on. I am a firm believer that if you didn’t catch the wave when it premiered – and followed through – then you truly would be lost.

“Lost” was so much more than just an annoying adventure drama taking place on some island. “Lost” – from the beginning – was always a morality play. Even during the first season, I recall telling Amy, “They are dead already. Watch. The island represents Purgatory and the trials and tribulations they will endure will be proven to be tests designed to help each individual to move on.” Whether Amy paid any attention to me when I said that is, perhaps, questionable given that she tend to fall asleep during anything – movies or TV – which tend to last longer than 30 minutes (except, of course, “Real Housewives of New Jersey” or “Top Chef”, et al).

Good vs. evil, technology vs. nature, unfathomable mysteries of the universe vs. logic. All of these concepts and battles require setting what you think you know about life and the world around you onto some high shelf, out of the way, in order for you to truly absorb what is going on and deal with it. “Lost” demonstrated these struggles in practically every episode, but did so much more than that by underlying not simply the frailty of human nature, but also its resilience and strength. Why did these people always seem to have some sort of pre-destined connection with each other? Why were they “chosen”? Because they shared perhaps the single most important moment anyone can have in their lives: Death. They were together in their final moments, melding their loves, their lives, their dreams, their fears, their joys, their…everything together into one fantastical voyage.

It is so very easy to be dismissive of “Lost”, especially if one simply does not have the time, patience, or – perhaps most importantly – the imagination to enjoy the journey and look just a little bit further beyond the surface. I commented last night to Amy that I have probably seen more of “Lost” than most people I know, having watched each original airing, each rerun, and each “enhanced episode”. And even I will probably strive to buy each of the seasons on Blu-ray because I know that even with all of that exposure; I had to have missed something.

So, as the weeks move forward and you get tired of all the wrap-up hype, try for a second to look beyond the obvious and just what is presented on the surface and attempt to understand that there really was so much more to “Lost” than just what you may have overheard at the water cooler. Get back to me after you check it out on your own. I am confident you will have come up with your own opinions and will have a much different perspective that will move beyond all of the hype and help you toward some better understanding.

Or maybe not…

Just when you think you have everything under control...

...life bitchslaps you upside the head and laughs at the thought that you think you have any control whatsoever. On that note...

At this point, I think most of those who either knows us personally or follow anything on our Facebook pages knows: Amy is pregnant again. We had discussed having another baby, but figured it would probably take a bit as it took us three years to get pregnant with Devlin. So...we were not really trying, but we were not really not trying, either. At this point, Amy is about six weeks along. On top of this we got yet another kick in the head. If you look closely at the picture below, you will notice two, not one, but two amniotic sacs (this is the bean-like black area in the picture). This would indicate twins. Yes. Twins.



This is, to say the least, rather intimidating. But it is also probably one of the coolest things ever. I was happy with one - Sloan - and then when Devlin came along, even more so. This pretty much knocks things out of the park.

In other news, work is going fine. I really like my current job and employer, but was sort of kicked in the backside a little bit with the realization that I was actually making more as a contractor/temp employee than I am as a full-time salaried one. I guess it has to do with the benefits of insurance and various savings incentives, but we are sticking with Amy's health benefits as they are less expensive. Add that cut in pay to the fact that I will be paying child support for Sloan as she will now be living primarily with her mother, and my check gets even smaller. I am not lamenting the need to pay child support - I am a big believer in the need for everyone to make sure they take care of their kids. I am more frustrated by having to spend 4+ hours daily on my commute, working from 8am to 5pm, having to get up at 4:30am to make my train, and not getting home until close to 7:30pm...all for less than what I was getting paid as a gun-for-hire. No good really whining about that now, though, as I honestly do consider myself hugely fortunate to be employed.

Ah, the dilemmas of the modern American, right? Not really, but you get the point...

Life is never as cut-and-dried as we would like to think. And would we enjoy it as much if it was? I have a beautiful wife and family, incredible friends, a good job. Sometimes I just wish I had more time to enjoy them all or at least to let them all know how much I appreciate them. I guess, though, that's what I am doing right now...

On another note: One week until our weekend in Napa! Nothing that says I can't drink, man!

Hasta ~

Been awhile...

Wow. I just took a quick look at the date of my last blog entry and see that it was back in February. Sort of pitiful for someone who fancies himself to be something of a writer...

There are actually some very good reasons for this and I apologize in advance if I have to be cryptic to some degree or another in what I write today. The basic fact of the matter is that our household has been thrown into massive upheaval and we have been spending the better part of our time cleaning up the pieces. For the past couple of months now, my daughter's mother and I have been embroiled in legal maneuvering over primary custody of Sloan. This came up as an issue after our move to Tracy from San Jose. For the past eleven years - eight of those under court order with her paying me child support - Sloan's mother was content with the situation as it existed. She lived in San Jose, we lived in San Jose. After we moved this past year, however, she was not happy. working in her favor was the fact that Sloan was not entirely happy either. Growing up, I recall every time my family and I moved. I lost friends, I had to start over, and it sucked, I admit. But I got over it. But Sloan had options and a mother who chose to dangle all sorts of carrots in front of her to get her to move back and live with her. There are a lot of things involved here, much of which I am unable to go into details about. but the bottom line, after all is said and done, the decision was made to allow Sloan to move back to San Jose. We have been in court several times, and each side has spent literally thousands of dollars on this...a fact that truly annoys me because it could have been resolved without that hassle. I can't even go into all particulars or even how I feel out here because I never know who is following along. It has been a horrible, depressing roller coaster and while we love Sloan unconditionally, we cannot get beyond the knowledge that this decision will end up being all bad for her. But we have to allow her to figure this out on her own. But it is perhaps the most painful and emotionally draining thing I have ever had to endure in my life up to this point. As big a guy as I am or as "tough" as I may appear to some, I can admit to having numerous days and nights where I could do nothing more than cry. Everything Amy and I have done in our life together has included making sure our choices benefit not just us, but our children as well, as any parent would. Amy was thrust into the role of step-mother without any real preparation and has really been the most consistent mother-like presence in Sloan's life. We have worked hard to make our family's lives better. And now we feel as if we have been collectively punched in the gut. And we have to take it.

On a more upbeat note, I was finally given an offer letter from my current employer, changing my status from temporary/contract to regular/full-time, which I accepted. It has been a long road getting to this point, but I am so very grateful to each and every person who ever offered me words of encouragement, let alone those who worked on their own to help me find potential positions to submit my resume to. As this is occurring, Amy and I are working on setting up some sort of workable schedule that would alleviate some of her need to carpool from Tracy to Palo Alto every day and open some options up to both of us.

I have neglected some people and requests. For that I apologize, but I hope everyone can understand. During the course of this difficult time frame it has been everything we can do to focus on ourselves, to keep things moving along. Don't take it too personally, please. Of course, I could remind some people they have the ability to pick up a phone themselves, too...

Our thanks to our friends and family for their continuing support through this hard transition.

I will try to make a better effort to write more regularly. And will try to keep it from being too much of a downer...

I really hate bureaucracy ...

I am really annoyed and I have to vent.

For a number of years, we have gone through cycles - as all parents do - with my daughter's grades not being what we feel they should be. It isn't that she is not intelligent; she is simply lazy and can get bored or distracted very easily if a teacher cannot find it in their daily routine to give her a little something extra regarding any subject being studied. Every school year, it starts out the same: one or two classes are ok while the important ones get pretty dismal grades. She works a bit harder, brings the grades up, but this can go back and forth throughout the year. It is pretty much the catalyst of many of my arguments with her.

I think we started in elementary school, definitely in middle school, taking advantage of electronic correspondence with her teachers and faculty. Our problem on our end is this: We simply do not have the time to afford to her, to make sure she is getting her assignments completed, that she is studying the way and the amount of time she should be. We are a two-income family, meaning that the traditional - and perhaps desired - format of one parent working while the other stays at home with the kids, is simply not an option for us at this stage. We are trying to edge that way to some degree, but for all the time we lived in the South Bay, that is just not a possibility. It is simply too expensive to live there and two incomes is needed to just break even. Now, with our move to Tracy, the cost of things has gone down considerably, but we both currently still commute to The Bay Area. By the time we get home each evening, we are exhausted and it is fairly late (anywhere between 5:30 and 7pm), leaving us very small windows to address dinner for all and time necessary to pay to not just a teenager but also an 18-month old toddler.

I am not whining about that, really. It simply is what it is and we do what we have to do. However, can you see how her teachers end up spending more time each day with her than WE do. Is it really too much to ask them to take some time out and touch base with her more often? When we ask, when we detail our concerns and our situation, it inevitably gets bounce back to us or we are told to have her research what is available on her own when she comes back to school. hey, if I could feel confident that she would do that, no problem. But in addition to these detailed difficulties, she has taken to lying to cover her ass or to simply get around having to do anything. And, fortunately or unfortunately, she is just not very good at it and constantly gets caught at it.

The school system really seems to be a bureaucracy. We try to come up with solutions, we detail the situations, we try to be open to other options. But it always gets turned around on us and we are sent back to square one. We get sent to one person, then another, then back to the original...its like a government agency unto itself with no one seemingly willing to take responsibility.

That's all I have. I am not looking for advice, really. I am just frustrated that - especially in a smaller town - the general consensus seems to be that someone is or should always be available at home. In this day and age, that simply is not a reasonable or logical approach. But we may have to cave in and accept that, allowing our finances to suffer as a result. We may have no choice but to go to homeschooling...even though she only has three to four years to go before high school graduation.

I don't know. I just wish schools didn't make it so difficult and took on more responsibility. But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised when we live in basically a bankrupt state and year after year our state government keeps taking money away from the schools, creating apathy and ill-will within the ranks of the teachers as much as they try to do their jobs to the best of their ability to effectively teach with limited resources.

Ugh.

Updates

I really have been neglecting this space ever since I started my new job. It isn't intential, I assure you; it is simply that I do not always have the urge to get on our desktop or laptop after I arrive home in the evenings during the week. I am actually writing this from work, in the slower time frame of the morning.

So, lets see. Christmas was great. After dealing with almost an entire year of unemployment and worrying what we would do, I got an offer for temporary/contract work that more or less saved the day. We were able to actually have an enjoyable holiday season. That isn't to say it was all about the presents; it was about not having the pressure involved with being unemployed. This holiday season was nice because we were able to focus on time with family and friends, which is sort of the entire point, right?

I turned 43 on January 10th. Some might lament turning older but I actually enjoy it. Might have something to do with the fact that I refuse to act as if I am "old". I am not doing the whole midlife crisis thing (at least not yet!); I just feel more at ease in my own skin and what I am doing in my life. I love my wife and kids and feel we have worked well together to make the right choices we needed to make in order to move forward, enhanced with the added benefit of being much closer to friends and family we had missed for some time. Amy surprised me by giving me a new bass guitar starter set-up that I had wanted last year but needed to put on hold. It is very cool and I need to really sit down and focus on learning how to play. I have been listening to various artists and trying to develop my ear, pick out the bass lines. So far I find it interesting that it seems as if many bass players stick to one or two strings with slight variations in the notes. Maybe that is being simplistic, but it is my take on it as a novice. I may try to take actual lessons. No, I am not looking to start a band or anything, I just always thought it would be fun and cool to learn how to play. We'll see how it goes but I am excited to try and was very happy with my birthday gift. (thanks, honey!).

Sloan is slowly but surely transitioning into her new school, having a few road blocks here and there, but working very hard. The move was probably the hardest on her, losing immediate contact with close friends. We are still working it out.

After a couple of months, I have to say I really like Tracy. Affordable and quiet, I really do not even mind taking the train in to Milpitas/San Jose every day. It can be hard at times being without a vehicle and getting home a bit later than I used to, but we make adjustments. Have to be prepared for little things like this that made me pretty late Friday night.

Anyway, that is pretty much all I have for the moment. Looking forward to having a small get-together for Super Bowl, with the official uniform being pajamas and sweats!

Hope everyone is doing well!