Mixed Feelings

Today my daughter, Sloan, started a new school year, this time as a sophomore in high school. I am very proud of her but have some mixed emotions today as it is the first time in just over ten years that I have not been able to either walk her to her classes or drop her off on her first day back at school. I did call her last night and let her know I was thinking about her and that I hoped she had a good day, but it isn't quite the same.

In some ways, Sloan going to live with her mother full-time has been a good thing. It is allowing her to re-connect with her mother on a more consistent level, to be with the friends she made in middle school who go to the same high school, to begin to feel comfortable with herself as a person. As much as it pains me, I know how important these things are for a teenager, especially a teenage girl. But every day it cuts a tiny piece out of my heart that I am not able to see all of this on a daily basis. For our battles - which I maintain is a normal part of growing up between parents and teenagers - I never once stopped loving her for who she is. She is a sensitive and wholly individual person with her own viewpoint and all I can really do at this point is accept that I had a hand in helping her form some of her opinions and personality. I can only hope it helps her to make the right choices on a daily level.

I think I am having these feelings more and more as we organize our new home because I feel she should be there. As happy as I am about our move, about the coming twins, about how strong and smart Devlin continues to prove himself to be and becoming, there is something missing. I know it will get easier over time, but I have a great fear of missing out on so many of her own forthcoming "firsts". As draconian and somewhat overbearing as I know I can be, I know I have done the best I could do raising her and I have to accept that it will be enough.

Sorry to bring the party down but this has been weighing on my head for a couple of days now as I see notes from others about their kids starting school up again...