Weird title, huh? Thought it up all by my lonesome, on the fly.
This is the 2nd official day of my job search. I have registered for pretty much every site I can think of, have actually sent out several applications and resumes, and even set up an appointment with a counselor at the San Jose location for University of Phoenix to explore options of expanding my knowledge and going for Technical Writing to add to my editing and desktop publishing skills. On the surface, one could probably surmise that I have taken the bull by the proverbial horns and am riding that fucker down. Right?
Well, yeah, I guess so. At some point this afternoon, after entering the same information from my resume into another company's site for what felt like the hundredth time (which was probably only the fourth or fifth in reality), depression reared it's ugly little head up and said "Hi, Loser!". It took me literally four to five hours to submit applications or my resume to as many jobs, mainly because I had to enter all the same information to each one each time. It mentally exhausted me. And this is only the 2nd damn day! I am trying to be upbeat, but then the realization that I will not be working for my former employer hits me. Sure, there is a slim chance the two people left behind in my former group will get in over their heads and scream for help and I MIGHT get a call to come back....as a contractor. But even if that very off-chance and call comes through, it is sort of a bit humiliating. I had been there for five years; I got my wife a job there because I love the company and felt it could offer her a new and fresh opportunity. Plus, we could see each other every day and carpool. There were absolute advantages, and we were certainly not the only couple working there. When I started, five years ago, one of the driving benefits I liked was the claim that the company was "family-oriented". They did not expect one to give up their lives to the company, although many did, willingly, because they a) enjoyed their jobs and b) felt they were making a difference. Now most of those people have been shoved aside. None of us were treated as "family"; more like annoyances.
I am ranting, I know. I shouldn't. I know. But it is hard. It is hard to know that I have to now more than likely accept a much lower salary and start all over. It is hard knowing I kicked ass on a daily basis and that work was never taken into account by those higher up (no matter how many have emailed me privately or come up to Amy and noted how much I will be missed and what a good job I always did for them and the company). To be short, it isn't fair. Nothing about this is fair, nothing about this even remotely sounds logical. It is panic, pure and simple, and I have to pay the price for another's fear, another's cowardice, because that other's pay and bonus must be protected at all cost, even if that means the heads of loyal workers, some of whom have literally given the better portion of their lives to the company. It isn't right.
But what is it that I tell my daughter when she decries the unfairness of any particular event in her life, from grades, to friends, to boys? Oh yes. "Life isn't fair. Wear a helmet."
So I try. I know this may sound like belly-aching and whining, especially since I have talked about little else in the past week or so. But it's my damn blog and I am gonna talk about what I want, dammit. I know this will pass, that perhaps something better is just out of reach and I have to keep trying for it. Let me strap my little helmet on and try again.....
And as I was contemplating this blog in my head, a Charlie Brown Valentine's Day special was on TV. Of course, Charlie Brown was mooning after the little red-haired girl. And I had to smile to myself that even as everything is shifting and morphing around me, a least I have my own red-haired girl.....even if she is a bit more blond these days from the highlights.....
No comments:
Post a Comment